breathingwishes

when i was a kid, i always believed the first star in the night sky was the moon's best friend. innocent, cheerful. eager. it shone so brightly for such a small body - the glimmer in the eyes of a smiling child. as i grew older and my realities changed, i began to look through different eyes. time alters people, more than merely physically. i began to think what it must be like to be that star - constant companion to something so vast, so there. what it must be like to be suspended in that celestial canvas, visible but lacking that luminescent lunar presence.

i'm scattered, i'm awestruck; i'm blinded. i'll wander through this city while dreams unfold in my eyes. eerie faces peer in, but my thoughts are cloudy to myself. everything's happening, everything's living. but me, i'm just existing.

it's gonna be a long, long time, my mind said conversationally. you'll go crazy, you know. "then i'll go crazy. but in the mean time, i'm going to build a sandcastle. i want to feel these minuscule grains cling to the in-betweens of my toes and i want to enjoy it. i want to enjoy going crazy if it's the only choice i have." i looked out, ran my fingers over the glass that encased me; it chilled my fingertips, left a dusting of frost. you aren't fooling me. you're terrified. i tilted my head slightly to the side. "i've got time," i replied. and i did.

your love is like clockwork; it rusts over time. you run on steam and engines, bronze lungs and copper veins. that rhythmic hungry beat has burrowed deep inside your chest and minute hands serve as a persistent memory. you're untouchable, petrified. barely even there.

rain used to always make me feel at home. i loved the sound of those crystalline droplets splattering onto the shingles of the roof. i loved how the dark gray guise of clouds swallowed the sky whole, the way an eager child swallows a piece of candy. it comforted me, drove away my tears. perfection, peace, serenity; those were my synonyms for the word "rain." then something happened. god, did something happen, all right... i thought i knew pain before that night in october. i thought pain was fighting with your parents, or finding out your supposed best friend was the one spreading those damned rumors about you, or coming home to see your d

take the thoughts from my mind, strung along a line to dry like laundry; dripping with the saturation of ill sense. try to piece them together in a logical sequence and suffocate from the fumes of a decayed mind. breathe. watch your sanity implode. you're a recluse, and nonsense is your sanctuary.

dreaming in a self induced coma, i drown in the disorientation of this unreality. i don't really understand what's going on. i'm listening to pain. there are cymbals in my eardrums and i hear things. secrets. shhh, hushhush i shouldn't be hearing this. they don't stop to think that i can still hear. i'm not dead. i hope, anyway.

i climbed the scarlet ladders of your slashed wrists and you scream of the sting of the salt that pours from my eyes. in all seriousness i'm dead because your pain is mine and i couldn't handle it anymore; i'm still breathing but i'm not quite feeling. your heart's not really a heart anymore, just a mangled malnourished monstrosity constructed of cardiac muscle. we hurt and we hurt but we just don't know anymore.

so as the angels trumpet their instruments, we falsely believe their lies; we tend to overlook the scars written in red. i see you walking in your dreams, my dear, bats flitting across your eyes of outer space and thunder sounding throughout your ribcage of tightly laced bone, and i hear your voice of a thousand pains, whispering from between dead-blue lips like veined autumn leaves; carried by the air and laid on the ground, forgotten. so we dance through the moon- streaked rains and we're falling through the windows of the night, reflections of the monsters that cage us - our webs woven.

i want you to rip open my chest, show you my heart - swollen with emotion. for you to inject feeling into it, and then stitch me back up with the threads of our intertwined lives. i want you to drink in my pain, my suffering; for all my negative somethings to poison you. i want you to rip me free of these chains that bind my soul; set me free. i don't want to be an empty shell. flood me with you - fill me with your heart's smile. just let me cry, a few tears of nothing.